i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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