At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
