just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
