her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
