Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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