i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
