I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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