I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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