there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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