If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
