i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
