o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
