my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
