It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
