just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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