My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
