I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
