just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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