the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
