you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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