At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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