just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
