You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
