i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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