how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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