I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
