then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
