I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
