he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
