You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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