I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
