when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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