the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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