If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
