24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
