I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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