Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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