Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
