Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
