I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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