Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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