I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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