Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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