don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
