You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
