you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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