I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
