I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
