It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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