when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
