i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize