are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
