I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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