You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We are all done wearing pants today
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
