my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
