This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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