I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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