after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
